Assbrows

TheFullMonteTheFullMonte Registered Users, Member 1,589 Posts
As preface to this TIFU I am commiting one of the greatest societal taboos and revealing a secret that heretofore has been zealously guarded throughout the ages. It is a correlate to childbirth in that just as post-menopausal women wouldn't dare tell an expectant mother how truly agonizing childbirth is, no man in his 50s would traumatize a man in his youthful prime with fears of the anatomical horror that is to come. But times have changed and new technology places men in grave danger, so now you must know of this biological atrocity, in order that you might avoid my disastrous FU....
Sometime around midlife, men's hair follicles undergo a revolting mutation. While hair atop one's head thins and drops, new hair grows in places you never imagined. Bristle-stiff tufts sprout outside and inside of ears, and up nostrils. Eyebrows become bushy, unruly and coarse. Pubic hair turns gray and scraggly (I shit you not). All these hairs grow alarming fast and require constant attention, lest you become that guy with a bunny paw sticking out of his ear. Their eradication is a battle men wage stoically and silently through the second half of their lives. And, as with any battle, there are casualties. Now, onto my TIFU.

I found a great nose hair trimmer in the As Advertised On TV aisle at CVS. It looks like and operates like a minature hedge trimmer. It's virtually impossible to cut yourself but mows down the hair.

Yesterday I was trimming ear, nose and eyebrow hairs after a shower. I was so happy with the results that I decided to try it on my pubes too. It worked great! Soon I had gone a bit overboard and pretty much shaved my balls and the base of the shaft to the skin. I liked the new look, but my bushy taint was a testicular neck beard that had to go.

I positioned a make up mirror on the bathroom floor and laid down spread eagle, knees up, so I could see and trim everything well. Where once just a few wispy hairs prevailed, unbeknownst to me a virtual forest had arisen! Worst of all, my butthole was sporting Borat mustache assbrows. Trusty new nose hair trimmer in hand, I prepared for battle.

The assbrows had to go first. I began on the left and quickly decimated the bunghole caterpillar. I moved decisively to the right, prepared to take down assbrow two with one swift stroke close to the skin. However, this was not to be. Instead, my ass hairs wrapped around the trimmer blade like Rappunzel using a superheated curling iron, pulling the device tight against my skin and jamming the blade. The hairs were being ripped from my flesh and the pain was excruciating. No matter how I tried, I couldn't remove the trimmer. Wiggling it tugged the hairs more; restarting it was a double down that I lost - the hairs were wound even tighter against the blade.

I frog walked naked to my bedroom, one hand holding the trimmer tied between my butt cheeks, and searched for my cuticle scissors. No luck. I did however find a carpet knife. Unbearable pain breeds desperation. Back on the bathroom floor, I tried in vain to cut myself free, nicking the tenderest of flesh twice and drawing the first blood of battle. I was making little progress and it was time to make the ultimate sacrifice. After a suitable prayer, I gripped tight on the trimmer and committed reverse harakiri, Brazilian wax style, ripping off the trimmer blade along with its assbrow net trap. Blinding pain left me curled fetal, hyperventilating, while blood slowly trickled down my ass crack.

I decided to share my TIFU and expose life's cruel secret in the best interest of mankind, that others may avoid falling prey to the technological wonders of As Seen on TV hair removal tools. Young men of Reddit, I beg of you to heed my warning. Do not go gentle into that good night. Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

TL;DR used nose hair trimmer on bunghole brows, tore myself a new one.

Comments

  • drsmartassphddrsmartassphd Registered Users, Member 3,133 Posts

    We need more quality content like this on this forum. Thank you for this.

    What did your boyfriend think of this?

    Yes, we are aware of the game having crashing issues in the middle of WoH, but we can't compensate you for the gold you lost at this time. This is done on a case by case basis. - TSB Customer Service

  • matt_sackettmatt_sackett Registered Users, Member 1,540 Posts
    o o O O(shots fired)
    Nothing in life is as beautiful as the Balsamic thread.

  • ShoveItUpYoenis2ShoveItUpYoenis2 Registered Users, Member 952 Posts

    We need more quality content like this on this forum. Thank you for this.

    What did your boyfriend think of this?


    If you're going to ask at least tag him @bigvivec
  • TheFullMonteTheFullMonte Registered Users, Member 1,589 Posts
    I think what I was least prepared for was the loud farts. You’re going from stock car audio to expensive aftermarket. And yes, you got the subwoofer.
  • retirepujolsretirepujols Registered Users, Member 4,855 Posts
    This post is exactly why the internet exists. This magical place is where tales of great battles can be remembered and celebrated by generations to come. This is the way of our people. Remember us.....
    "It's amazing how much work you can put in without gangly-ass legs in the way" - Sir Tdub71
  • BlackFang4BlackFang4 Registered Users, Member 515 Posts
    edited December 2019
    @TheFullMonte

    Either you're this guy on Reddit, or you just plagiarised this guy word for word.

    https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/e59pb8/tifu_by_using_a_nose_hair_trimmer_to_manscape_my/
  • snowy24snowy24 Registered Users, Member 304 Posts
    What is this new obsession with men? Leave the hair down there. It separates you from the boys. Ffs. 
  • Cooz19Cooz19 Registered Users 1,256 Posts

    We need more quality content like this on this forum. Thank you for this.

    What did your boyfriend think of this?

    We DO need more quality content like this. I thank all of you for participating. I do not understand the needless attack at the end (not that there's anything wrong with @TheFullMonte having a boyfriend). 

    I suggest you spend some time studying the sequence of posts in the forum. If you find yourself reading a curveball or two around the fifth or sixth thread down, don't worry, you can get through it. But if it's like 10 threads down, forget it. You lost. 
  • retirepujolsretirepujols Registered Users, Member 4,855 Posts
    edited December 2019
    snowy24 said:
    What is this new obsession with men? Leave the hair down there. It separates you from the boys. Ffs. 
    Try having diarrhea and wiping through a forest all day 🥺 
    "It's amazing how much work you can put in without gangly-ass legs in the way" - Sir Tdub71
  • snowy24snowy24 Registered Users, Member 304 Posts
    snowy24 said:
    What is this new obsession with men? Leave the hair down there. It separates you from the boys. Ffs. 
    Try having diarrhea and wiping through a forest all day 🥺 
    Good point, but leave the other genitals alone. 
  • ShoveItUpYoenis2ShoveItUpYoenis2 Registered Users, Member 952 Posts
    I want to make sure people feel safe to post here in the trust tree. My wife has watched my Caterpillar grow.  It started as a small, unnoticeable little guy, but now he is a very large Caterpillar. I just hope he never becomes a butt-erfly.
  • retirepujolsretirepujols Registered Users, Member 4,855 Posts
    If companies would stop skimping in the TP department.. or I guess just carry some baby wipes around, but ehh. Also, the frontal region is just cleaner without an overgrown garden. There's only one plant that needs to shine in that garden, and all of the weeds detract from it 😂
    "It's amazing how much work you can put in without gangly-ass legs in the way" - Sir Tdub71
  • drsmartassphddrsmartassphd Registered Users, Member 3,133 Posts

    Fortunately, both me and my wife are pretty hairless folks. She's a natural blonde so she could go weeks without shaving and no one would notice. Of course, she doesn't.

    Myself, I've still got a full head of hair, but it doesn't grow much in other places either. Don't have much on my chest, none on my back (thank goodness) and the hair on my legs is hardly visible.

    The wife does, however, appreciate it if I keep the bushes down below trimmed, but my system is not nearly as complicated as this one.

    Yes, we are aware of the game having crashing issues in the middle of WoH, but we can't compensate you for the gold you lost at this time. This is done on a case by case basis. - TSB Customer Service

  • matt_sackettmatt_sackett Registered Users, Member 1,540 Posts

    Nothing in life is as beautiful as the Balsamic thread.

  • matt_sackettmatt_sackett Registered Users, Member 1,540 Posts

    Nothing in life is as beautiful as the Balsamic thread.

  • matt_sackettmatt_sackett Registered Users, Member 1,540 Posts
    snowy24 said:
    What is this new obsession with men? Leave the hair down there. It separates you from the boys. Ffs. 
    What a shit show it is for me to post anything now a days.....

    Some of us need the "Optical Inch"
    Nothing in life is as beautiful as the Balsamic thread.

  • drsmartassphddrsmartassphd Registered Users, Member 3,133 Posts

    No kidding. Those of us who are growers and not showers need the help.

    I'm not too proud to admit it either, and don't care.

    Every crazy customer has left satisfied, and a few went nuts when they found out he wasn't coming back. Got nothing to be ashamed of, he just needs a little help sometimes.

    Yes, we are aware of the game having crashing issues in the middle of WoH, but we can't compensate you for the gold you lost at this time. This is done on a case by case basis. - TSB Customer Service

  • matt_sackettmatt_sackett Registered Users, Member 1,540 Posts

    Fortunately, both me and my wife are pretty hairless folks. She's a natural blonde so she could go weeks without shaving and no one would notice. Of course, she doesn't.

    Myself, I've still got a full head of hair, but it doesn't grow much in other places either. Don't have much on my chest, none on my back (thank goodness) and the hair on my legs is hardly visible.

    The wife does, however, appreciate it if I keep the bushes down below trimmed, but my system is not nearly as complicated as this one.

    Pics of her or its not true...just sayin..
    Nothing in life is as beautiful as the Balsamic thread.

  • ShoveItUpYoenis2ShoveItUpYoenis2 Registered Users, Member 952 Posts

    No kidding. Those of us who are growers and not showers need the help.

    I'm not too proud to admit it either, and don't care.

    Every crazy customer has left satisfied, and a few went nuts when they found out he wasn't coming back. Got nothing to be ashamed of, he just needs a little help sometimes.


    This thread took a dark turn but I can’t look away. 
  • TheFullMonteTheFullMonte Registered Users, Member 1,589 Posts
    snowy24 said:
    What is this new obsession with men? Leave the hair down there. It separates you from the boys. Ffs. 
    Nobody likes a testicular neck beard @snowy24
  • BlackFang4BlackFang4 Registered Users, Member 515 Posts
    edited December 2019
    I would like to point out that this is stolen from a Reddit post and that this is not the original poster. Original post from reddit: https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/e59pb8/tifu_by_using_a_nose_hair_trimmer_to_manscape_my/
  • retirepujolsretirepujols Registered Users, Member 4,855 Posts
    I would like to point out that this is stolen from a Reddit post and that this is not the original poster. Original post from reddit: https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/e59pb8/tifu_by_using_a_nose_hair_trimmer_to_manscape_my/
    Last guy I would have expected to go all English teacher on us and ruin the fun 😭
    "It's amazing how much work you can put in without gangly-ass legs in the way" - Sir Tdub71
  • Cooz19Cooz19 Registered Users 1,256 Posts
    You pointed it out once already, didn't you, @BlackFang4

    I'd bet money the post on Reddit isn't original either. 
  • BlackFang4BlackFang4 Registered Users, Member 515 Posts
    Cooz19 said:
    You pointed it out once already, didn't you, @BlackFang4

    I'd bet money the post on Reddit isn't original either. 
    Well, it doesn't matter the og op is. I'm just saying that this isn't original content. That screenshot was just showing that these two aren't the same guy. 

    @TheFullMonte copied a story from somewhere else and shouldn't receive credit for it, imo.
  • TheFullMonteTheFullMonte Registered Users, Member 1,589 Posts
    Oh dear golly.  I’m quite glad you found it necessary to point out to the rest of us that this was in fact a Copy Pasta, and that someone didn’t write an original ass shaving story for a forum full of baseball video game nerds.  

    Phew!  Really saved us there.  

    I really tried hiding it well huh?  Leaving the TIFU (even capitalized) in there?  It’s only one of the most well know acronyms on a board with millions of users.  TOTALLY PASSING IT OFF AS MY OWN!!!
  • TheFullMonteTheFullMonte Registered Users, Member 1,589 Posts
    Cooz19 said:
    You pointed it out once already, didn't you, @BlackFang4

    I'd bet money the post on Reddit isn't original either. 
    Well, it doesn't matter the og op is. I'm just saying that this isn't original content. That screenshot was just showing that these two aren't the same guy. 

    @TheFullMonte copied a story from somewhere else and shouldn't receive credit for it, imo.
    OMFG.  You realize that you’re the only one that didn’t get that right?  You see just two LOL’s on your first post?  It’s because everyone already knew that.  
  • Cooz19Cooz19 Registered Users 1,256 Posts
    Some of the comments are from there too, so there are more people here guilty of stealing content from the world's largest digital collection of stolen content. But everyone had a laugh, and no one profited from it, so maybe it's really not a big deal. 
  • BlackFang4BlackFang4 Registered Users, Member 515 Posts
    Ight I'mma sit this one out then lol
  • Cooz19Cooz19 Registered Users 1,256 Posts
    I apologize if I lessened the shine of the greatest avi on this forum, @BlackFang4. I haven't mentioned my appreciation for it previously. 
  • ShoveItUpYoenis2ShoveItUpYoenis2 Registered Users, Member 952 Posts

    Fortunately, both me and my wife are pretty hairless folks. She's a natural blonde so she could go weeks without shaving and no one would notice. Of course, she doesn't.

    Myself, I've still got a full head of hair, but it doesn't grow much in other places either. Don't have much on my chest, none on my back (thank goodness) and the hair on my legs is hardly visible.

    The wife does, however, appreciate it if I keep the bushes down below trimmed, but my system is not nearly as complicated as this one.

    Pics of her or its not true...just sayin..

    All this back and forth on plagiarism let's not bury the lead story of @drsmartassphd 's wife's shaved vajayjay 
This discussion has been closed.