“Don’t let the sunshine spoil your rain, stand up and complain.” Oscar The Grouch
"If you don't have anything nice to say about this game, don't say it at all." My Mother
Once upon a time there was a fragile boy called DR Smartass. He was on the way to see his spouse Hot Wife, when he decided to take a short cut through Bogstaple Woods.
It wasn't long before DR got lost. He looked around, but all he could see were trees. Nervously, he felt into his bag for his favourite toy, Blankey, but Blankey was nowhere to be found! DR began to panic. He felt sure he had packed Blankey. To make matters worse, he was starting to feel hungry.
Unexpectedly, he saw a fuzzy bear dressed in a green bowler hat disappearing into the trees.
"How odd!" thought DR.
For the want of anything better to do, he decided to follow the peculiarly dressed bear. Perhaps it could tell him the way out of the forest.
Eventually, DR reached a clearing. He found himself surrounded by houses made from different sorts of food. There was a house made from pods of peas, a house made from crisps, a house made from macarons and a house made from fruit gums.
DR could feel his tummy rumbling. Looking at the houses did nothing to ease his hunger.
"Hello!" he called. "Is anybody there?"
DR looked at the roof on the closest house and wondered if it would be rude to eat somebody else's chimney. Obviously it would be impolite to eat a whole house, but perhaps it would be considered acceptable to nibble the odd fixture or lick the odd fitting, in a time of need.
A cackle broke through the air, giving DR a fright. A witch jumped into the space in front of the houses. She was carrying a cage. In that cage was Blankey!
"Blankey!" shouted DR. He turned to the witch. "That's my toy!"
The witch just shrugged.
"Give Blankey back!" cried DR.
"Not on your nelly!" said the witch.
"At least let Blankey out of that cage!"
Before she could reply, three fuzzy bears rushed in from a footpath on the other side of the clearing. DR recognised the one in the green bowler hat that he'd seen earlier. The witch seemed to recognise him too.
"Hello Canada Cubs," said the witch.
"Good morning." The bear noticed Blankey. "Who is this?"
"That's Blankey," explained the witch.
"Ooh! Blankey would look lovely in my house. Give it to me!" demanded the bear.
The witch shook her head. "Blankey is staying with me."
"Um... Excuse me..." DR interrupted. "Blankey lives with me! And not in a cage!"
CC ignored him. "Is there nothing you'll trade?" he asked the witch.
The witch thought for a moment, then said, "I do like to be entertained. I'll release him to anybody who can eat a whole front door."
CC looked at the house made from fruit gums and said, "No problem, I could eat an entire house made from fruit gums if I wanted to."
"That's nothing," said the next bear. "I could eat two houses."
"There's no need to show off," said the witch. Just eat one front door and I'll let you have Blankey."
DR watched, feeling very worried. He didn't want the witch to give Blankey to CC. He didn't think Blankey would like living with a fuzzy bear, away from his house and all his other toys.
The other two bears watched while CC put on his bib and withdrew a knife and fork from his pocket.
"I'll eat this whole house," said CC. "Just you watch!"
CC pulled off a corner of the front door of the house made from crisps. He gulped it down smiling, and went back for more.
Eventually, CC started to get bigger - just a little bit bigger at first. But after a few more fork-fulls of crisps, he grew to the size of a large snowball - and he was every bit as round.
"Erm... I don't feel too good," said CC.
Suddenly, he started to roll. He'd grown so round that he could no longer balance!
"Help!" he cried, as he rolled off down a slope into the forest.
CC never finished eating the front door made from crisps and Blankey remained trapped in the witch's cage.
"I'll eat this whole house," said Average Bear. "Just you watch!"
Average Bear pulled off a corner of the front door of the house made from macarons. She gulped it down smiling, and went back for more.
After a while, Average Bear started to look a little queasy. She grew greener...
A woodcutter walked into the clearing. "What's this bush doing here?" he asked.
"I'm not a bush, I'm a bear!" said Average Bear.
"It talks!" exclaimed the woodcutter. "Those talking bushes are the worst kind. I'd better take it away before somebody gets hurt."
"No! Wait!" cried Average Bear, as the woodcutter picked her up. But the woodcutter ignored her cries and carried the bear away under his arm.
Average Bear never finished eating the front door made from macarons and Blankey remained trapped in the witch's cage.
"I'll eat this whole house," said Little Bear. "Just you watch!"
Little Bear pulled off a corner of the front door of the house made from fruit gums. He gulped it down smiling, and went back for more.
After five or six platefuls, Little Bear started to fidget uncomfortably on the spot.
He stopped eating fruit gums for a moment, then grabbed another forkful.
But before he could eat it, there came an almighty roar. A bottom burp louder than a rocket taking off, propelled Little Bear into the sky.
"Aggghhhhhh!" cried Little Bear. "I'm scared of heigh..."
Little Bear was never seen again.
Little Bear never finished eating the front door made from fruit gums and Blankey remained trapped in the witch's cage.
"That's it," said the witch. "I win. I get to keep Blankey."
"Not so fast," said DR. "There is still one front door to go. The front door of the house made from pods of peas. And I haven't had a turn yet.
"I don't have to give you a turn!" laughed the witch. "My game. My rules."
The woodcutter's voice carried through the forest. "I think you should give him a chance. It's only fair."
"Fine," said the witch. "But you saw what happened to the bears. He won't last long."
"I'll be right back," said DR.
"What?" said the witch. "Where's your sense of impatience? I thought you wanted Blankey back."
DR ignored the witch and gathered a hefty pile of sticks. He came back to the clearing and started a small camp fire. Carefully, he broke off a piece of the door of the house made from pods of peas and toasted it over the fire. Once it had cooked and cooled just a little, he took a bite. He quickly devoured the whole piece.
DR sat down on a nearby log.
"You fail!" cackled the witch. "You were supposed to eat the whole door."
"I haven't finished," explained DR. "I am just waiting for my food to go down."
When DR's food had digested, he broke off another piece of the door made from pods of peas. Once more, he toasted his food over the fire and waited for it to cool just a little. He ate it at a leisurely pace then waited for it to digest.
Eventually, after several sittings, DR was down to the final piece of the door made from pods of peas. Carefully, he toasted it and allowed it to cool just a little. He finished his final course. DR had eaten the entire front door of the house made from pods of peas.
The witch stamped her foot angrily. "You must have tricked me!" she said. "I don't reward cheating!"
"I don't think so!" said a voice. It was the woodcutter. He walked back into the clearing, carrying his axe. "This little man won fair and square. Now hand over Blankey or I will chop your broomstick in half."
The witch looked horrified. She grabbed her broomstick and placed it behind her. Then, huffing, she opened the door of the cage.
DR hurried over and grabbed Blankey, checking that his favourite toy was all right. Fortunately, Blankey was unharmed.
DR thanked the woodcutter, named Retire Pujols, grabbed a quick souvenir, and hurried on to meet Hot Wife. It was starting to get dark.
When DR got to Hot's house, his spouse threw her arms around him.
"I was so worried!" cried Hot. "You are very late."
As DR described his day, he could tell that Hot didn't believe him. So he grabbed a napkin from his pocket.
"What's that?" asked Hot.
DR unwrapped a doorknob made from crisps. "Pudding!" he said.
Hot almost fell off her chair.
It looks like you're new here. If you want to get involved, click one of these buttons!